Me and my girlfriend was having an argument last night and she ended up just rolling her eyes at me and storming off.
so I picked them up and rolled them back at her.
Me and my girlfriend was having an argument last night and she ended up just rolling her eyes at me and storming off.
so I picked them up and rolled them back at her.
I was painting the bathroom with the wife last night.
“you make love like you decorate.” said the wife.
“Very slow and professional?” I replied.
“No” she replied ” I have to finish the fucking job myself!”
Microsoft users have been proven right for once. They always said Steve Jobs couldn’t build a computer to save his life.
Was walking in the Tesco entrance earlier to get my weekly shopping, when I read their motto, ‘Why Pay More?’
“Good point,” I thought… “Asda it is then.”
A bird grabbed my cock and said,
“Wow! Your dick wouldn’t make a very good clock.”
“Why?” I asked Intrigued.
“Cause I’d struggle to get a second hand on it.” She replied.
I got home tonight and the wife was upstairs on the bed, half naked and looking flustered.
“The new wardrobe’s arrived,” she panted, “I had to move it myself.”
I rushed over to it and yanked open the door to find the Ikea man hiding inside.
“You cunt!” I shouted “What the fuck do you think you’re doing in there, letting her struggle upstairs on her own?!”
I was having a lovely sleep earlier until some inconsiderate cunt decided to bounce off my windscreen.
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
“I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment”.
The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect”.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch
Q- How do you make your wife scream during sex?
A- Wake her up.
Q- How do you make your wife cry during sex?
A- Ring her and tell her.
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
husband say’s to wife everytime I look at myself in the mirror I get a hardon
wife looks at him and says thats because you look like a cunt
When I was little my father used to hit me with a camera, I still have flashbacks.
A gang of dwarves were planning on robbing a butchers, but the stakes were too high
